The Phallus Inquisition
by Lizwontcry
Summary: It's been a hot summer, and Penny makes it hotter when she decides to solve the mystery of Sheldon's pants. Smutty fluff.


**A/N - I have no business writing this when I have another multi-chapter going on, but this is what happens when I'm really, really tired. Thanks for reading.**

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><p>It was a sweltering day in August when Penny realized that she'd spent the entire day-possibly even week-thinking about Dr. Sheldon Cooper's dick.<p>

Maybe it was because she hadn't gotten laid in almost three months. She and Leonard broke up maybe seconds after Howard and Bernadette's wedding. Penny cried during the whole ceremony...not just because it was so moving and beautiful and Bernadette looked so beautiful and Howard looked less creepy than he ever had, but because Penny was so confused and frustrated with her own love life and she wanted what they had and . didn't. Leonard tried to comfort her throughout the ceremony, having no clue that she was about to break his heart.

At the reception, they danced cheek to cheek and Penny was fine and comfortable, just like she always was with Leonard, when he whispered in her ear, "I love you, Penny." She would probably always remember that moment-for some reason, he had chosen to say it while Careless Whisper was playing. Leave it to Leonard to proclaim his love during a George Michael song.

This time, she didn't need Wil Wheaton to tell her what she already knew. Their beta test had failed. The devastating thing about it was that Leonard wasn't even surprised. He just nodded when she shook her head, and got a ride home with Amy instead of Penny. And that was that. It was only just recently she and Leonard started to talk again. And that was only because Sheldon was having such a hard time with two of his best friends being so at odds with each other. He was spending most of his time at Amy's, but the two of them mutually decided to break off the relationship agreement when it became clear that their ideas of physical needs were way too different.

It was a summer of record breaking heat and Penny found herself staying at home with the air conditioner more often than anywhere else, except when she had to somehow find the motivation to put on that awful yellow uniform and head to work yet again. At some point over the summer, after Sheldon had stopped seeing Amy, he sure was starting to visit Penny a lot more often. After a few weeks, it was almost an unspoken agreement. His trademark knock. Her smirk as she answered the door in as little clothing as possible. Their lack of conversation while they sat together and mindlessly watched Farscape (one of the only sci-fi shows they could agree on-Penny had a massive crush on John Crichton) or Sex and the City. The fact that Sheldon was allowing Penny to subject him to Carrie Bradshaw's shoe fetish showed how vulnerable he was feeling since breaking up with Amy. But Penny thought that secretly, Sheldon was enjoying the show. And maybe actually learning a thing or two from it.

So while neither of them were doing anything productive with their lives, they didn't really care. They were both temporarily broken from their respective failed relationships. But Penny found that she actually enjoyed spending time with Sheldon. When he wasn't telling her the history of Earl Grey tea or lecturing her about wearing the same pair of socks two days in a row, he was a fun dude to hang out with most of the time.

On one particular hot as hell July day, Samantha Jones was talking about funky spunk and Penny was zoning out, having some vivid fantasy of being a world famous movie star and stealing Brad Pitt from that homewrecker Angelina Jolie (not realizing the irony), when she happened to glance over at Sheldon. He was half-watching the show, half-reading Genius Today Monthly or whatever. But she wasn't noticing the magazine...she noticed what was happening in his pants. Penny wasn't a genius and she didn't know a quarter of the things Sheldon knew, but she knew when a dude had a boner. And Sheldon's boner was quite spectacular. And if she could see the outline of it through his not even tight pants, she knew there was something interesting happening under there.

Although they didn't share much conversation when it was TV zone out time, Penny's curiosity got the best of her. Plus, she was bored.

"Sheldon?"

"Penny?"

"Theoretically, because I know your mind is too brilliant for such riff raff, if you were to pick any four of the ladies on this show, who would you pick?"

He already looked confused. "Pick for what, exactly? I'd pick each of them to do a lot of different things. Miranda would be handy in a legal situation. If I needed help picking out a charming pair of shoes, I'd ask Carrie. Charlotte knows her art. And if I had a question about promiscuity, I'd ask Samantha."

Penny giggled. Oh, she had ruined this boy with their SATC marathons. He'd never be the same.

"No, Sheldon, I didn't mean in a legal situation or whatever. I mean...for coitus."

"I wouldn't pick any of them for coitus. I wouldn't pick_ anyone_ for coitus."

Penny knew he'd probably say that, but it didn't even begin to satisfy her curiosity.

"Are you really going to tell me that you will never engage in coitus-have sex-in your life? Like, ever?"

Sheldon sighed. "If you must know, I used to think that, yes. But ever since Amy and I have terminated our relationship, I've been thinking about it more often. I think that someday I would like to...well, you know." He looked embarrassed. And tired. And sad. And hot. And she wanted to fuck his brains out.

"See what it feels like?"

"Well, yes. From a purely scientific angle, of course."

"Of course," Penny said. And her eyes went straight to his pants again, and he looked at her looking down at him and cleared his throat and she looked away quickly, embarrassed but aroused. What the hell was happening?

It was three weeks later when they both finally cracked. Sheldon had come over to her place after work almost every night, no matter what time she came home from the Cheesecake Factory. Sometimes they'd stay up until two in the morning watching TV or working on their laptops or eating spaghetti (he'd always bring the hot dogs). Penny wondered what Leonard thought about all the time they were spending together, but he never said anything to her about it, when they did actually exchange any kind of conversation at all. Which was rare.

The three weeks were long ones for Penny. She couldn't stop thinking about what he had going on in his pants. It wasn't just her sexual frustration doing the thinking for her; she really wanted to know what Sheldon was packing. And when she let herself think about it, Penny realized it wasn't just the penis that she couldn't stop thinking about. It was Sheldon Cooper, extraordinary genius and pain in the ass that she couldn't stop thinking about. She supposed it was inevitable, really. They'd spent so much time together over the years. Arguing, debating, yelling, learning, bonding...it was only natural that she finally developed feelings for the guy.

They were watching Penny's favorite episode of Sex and the City, the one where Mr. Big was moving to Napa and he and Carrie danced in his empty apartment. Penny sighed, wishing she could find an everlasting love like they shared. Someone who would leave her a plane ticket to come visit if she ever got lonely. She wondered if that would ever happen for her, or if she was destined to spend eternity bringing home dudes with six packs and floppy hair and no brains who forget about her the second they left her apartment.

"Why are you sighing?" Sheldon asked, interrupting her usual relentless daydreaming.

"I don't know. Maybe it's because I envy what they have," Penny said. She bit her lip. Maybe it was PMS or something else entirely, but the last few months of misery were catching up to her in a big way. She almost wanted to kick Sheldon out and have an old-fashioned tearjerker festival, complete with chocolate peanut butter ice cream and Jerry Maguire.

"Are you experiencing some kind of sadness in relation to your current lack of a love life?"

"Um, yes, Sheldon. Thank you for not mincing words."

"You're welcome," he said, clearly not getting the sarcasm in her voice as usual. "Do you believe that you're going to spend the rest of your life alone and you'll move to Florida to grow old and one day you'll keel over and die a slow death and then your cat will eat you?"

Oh, boy. Too much SATC for him. Way too much. But he wasn't wrong.

"Well...yes. It didn't work out with Leonard and there are no prospects and I can't even get laid in Age of Conan these days. I just feel so...lonely. Like things are never going to get better and I'll never love or be loved and have what Carrie and Mr. Big have together."

"Well, Mr. Big and Carrie are fictional people, Penny. And not that I have much experience on the matter, but the data I've collected tells me that true love doesn't always exist the way it does in the movies and TV. Just because you love somebody doesn't mean it's the greatest love story of the century. Real life gets in the way. Emotions. Raw emotions."

Penny stared at Sheldon. Who was this guy? He shrugged.

"Being with Amy turned me into a hippie, I guess."

Penny scooted down closer to him and put her head on his shoulder. She wanted comfort. And she also wanted to look down at the pants area without being caught this time.

Instead of saying, "There, there," like he always did in these kinds of situations, Sheldon tried a different tactic.

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of furr...happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr."

Penny smiled and cried at the same time. He was so fucking cute. It wasn't even fair.

"I'm not sick..." she whispered.

"Heartbreak is a kind of a sick," he whispered back. And he put his arms around her and let her cry and it was a moment that she'd never forget because Sheldon was putting his arms around her and letting her cry.

"Penny...I have a question," he said, not taking his eyes off the TV and yet gripping her arm tightly, almost so tight that it cut off the circulation.

"Go for it. Anything."

"Are you attracted to me?"

Penny wasn't sure what was happening here but didn't move or snort or spin around the room just in case it would scare him off. Obviously he was feeling vulnerable. They both were. Sometimes people just needed some assurance.

"Well...yeah. You're a handsome man, sweetie. Why do you ask?"

"I thought maybe-" He stopped. Sputtered. Started again, like an old car. "I thought maybe that time we went suit shopping and you had that look on your face when I came out in the black one, maybe you were attracted to me."

Ah, the black suit. That had been an interesting day, for sure.

"I was. You looked hot in that suit."_ And almost everything else you wear._

"I noticed you looking at me in a different way after that night. And eventually I admitted to myself that I've had, um, feelings. For...well, you. But I didn't give any credence to them because you were with Leonard and I don't put any stock in romantic feelings of attraction, anyway."

"So why are you telling me this now?" She asked quietly, looking him in the eye, challenging him to maintain eye contact while he bared his soul.

"Because I want you to know that you will never end up alone. You're beautiful and you have a wide pelvis for childbearing and you have a charm that appeals to almost all men, especially the kind you dated before Leonard came along. You will never be alone. And you_ will_ be loved."

That was all she needed to hear.

It was hot in Penny's apartment. It was hot and she was sad and her life sucked and she had a hangnail and the check engine light was actually blinking now and she hated her job and so she kissed Sheldon Cooper right there on her couch while they were watching Sex and the City. Because she wanted to. Because she needed to. Because she had to.

Penny knew Sheldon wasn't an experienced kisser and she knew he might not even kiss her back. But he grabbed her and they were kissing and it wasn't amazing because he had no idea what he was doing, but she calmly showed him and soon the kissing was steady and good and all she wanted.

Even with the air conditioner on, they were both sweating. But she straddled him on her sofa and neither of them seemed to care. Penny muted the TV and the only sound in the apartment was the hum of the air conditioner and the little moans coming from both of them.

"Do you want this?" She asked him in between kisses. She_ knew_ at least part of him wanted it; she was sitting right on top of it. And she hoped this was going to be the day she satisfied her curiosity about Little Sheldon. Or Big Sheldon, she hoped.

"Yes," he said without hesitating.

"Are you sure? What about, like, germs and stuff?"

"My wish for release is stronger than my aversion to germs right now," he said simply.

"Cool," Penny said, and took down the straps of her tank top. He stared wide-eyed at her breasts. They were good ones; Penny knew they were good and she wanted Sheldon to think so, too. He spent a long time looking, feeling, touching, flicking. His hands were warm when he touched her and she was getting so goddamned wet from all the sensations.

"Lick it," she demanded, and he did. He took a nipple in his mouth and swirled his tongue around it, one tooth slightly grazing it, and she bit her lip not to keep from crying but to keep from screaming.

She wanted him to touch her. She wanted it so very much. But first, Penny wanted to solve the mystery of What's In the Pants. So she took herself off the couch and sat on her knees in front of him.

"Sweetie, take your pants off for me, okay?"

"But why?" He didn't say this to be annoying. He just really didn't know why.

"Because I want to make you feel good. In a sexual way, just to clarify."

"Oh. I suppose-I suppose that would be acceptable." He looked flustered and confused but horny and ready. He stood and took his pants off and there was his trademark tighty whiteys. And they were bulging with whatever the hell was inside them.

Sheldon sat back down and before his ass was on the cushion, Penny put her hand in his pants.

"Oh, my goodness. What do we have here?"

Sheldon was incapable of speaking because he was gasping. And then she gasped once she got his dick out of his pants and finally solved the mystery. She was expecting big, not huge. And his cock was huge. Like, possibly the biggest one she'd ever seen. And Penny had been around.

Before he could say anything, she put it in her mouth and went to town. Poll any of her ex-boyfriends and they would all agree that blowjobs were Penny's thing. She liked doing it and she liked hearing and seeing their reactions while she did it. Sheldon looked terrified but highly aroused at the same time.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No," he managed to somehow breath out. So she continued. It was hard to deep throat; his dick was so big and so wide and it hurt to take it all in but she tried because it looked like he liked it and wanted it. She cupped his balls gently and sucked on them for a second, which caused him to inhale sharply and groan. Her lips and tongue and hand worked in conjunction together, and she was so turned on by the warmth and the length and she wanted that thing inside her and now.

When she felt like he was on the brink, she stopped.

"Why-why did you stop?" He was looking at her like the Goddess of Blowjobs. Like if she asked nicely, he'd give her all his comic books AND his Hulk hands.

"Because we still have more to do," she said, trying to smile seductively.

Then it was back on the couch. She took her shorts off and sat in his lap. They kissed a lot, his tongue actually leaving his mouth to explore hers. And she didn't even have to ask. More kissing. His hand in her underwear, touching her, one finger inside her, two fingers inside her, still kissing her, still making her moan, still naked from the waist down, and it would be so easy just to slide on top of him and make him think about her for the rest of his life whenever someone said the words "lost virginity". But she sensed he wasn't ready for that. That she'd be taking advantage of him if she were to let it happen. So she didn't even ask. And it was disappointing but at least it gave them something to look forward to. That is, if he ever brought this up again, which was sort of somewhat possible.

It took a while, but Sheldon's fingers were magic and Penny came so hard that she actually screamed. A loud scream. She figured Leonard wasn't home or else he'd come see what the hell she was screaming about and she'd have to tell him that his best friend and roommate just made her come all over the damn place.

"You just had an orgasm," Sheldon whispered after she'd composed herself.

"Yes, yes, I did. And you gave it to me."

"I think I would like to experience that now," he said sheepishly.

"Why, Dr. Cooper, I thought you'd never ask."

Maybe someday that would be the cue for her to get the condom, but on this hot as hell August day, she put her right hand on his sizable dick and watched with pleasure as he closed his eyes and felt sensations she was positive he never even knew existed. A few minutes later, her hand was wet and sticky and he fell back on the sofa, his hands over his eyes. She washed her hands and brought him a washcloth and everything was fine and Sheldon was fine and Penny was fine.

"Thank you, Penny. I think I needed that release tonight. And I hope you did, as well."

"I did. I feel better now, don't you?"

"Of course."

Penny turned the TV back on and they held hands and occasionally glanced over to gaze at the other. She knew things would be a little awkward now. And it wasn't any cooler and they were still heartbroken and nothing was perfect. But at least Penny solved the mystery of the mysterious cock and could actually sleep at night without wondering what the hell was inside his pants.

But after Sheldon had gone and she was just about to fall asleep, Penny realized that she didn't really solve the mystery. Yes, she knew what it looked like, but how did it work? What would it feel like inside of her? So many questions. She just replaced one fantasy with a brand new one. And she couldn't wait to solve the next equation.


End file.
